Saturday, August 2, 2008

Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Artic

I imagined your death this morning, and it isn't that I meant to imagine a thing like that; but, I could hear your roommate answering the phone. I could see myself picking through, sorting emotions. Pairing them up. Seeing how it made me feel to see two emotions tied together.

It was because of the dream I had about you last night. It was so foggy, everything misty, like you could see yourself push through the air. It was almost like a real memory of you. I could remember details, but couldn't remember what we had actually said to each other. You asked me to sit in your lap, an intimate gesture, a trust. I held your head in my hands and looked at you. I followed you when you asked. It seemed so real, because I know I am very capable of following you.

After I woke up, I walked into the kitchen and cried. Mostly, because I missed you, and your death was just too much, and I couldn't handle your mortality.

Handling my own mortality is easy. Or at least I can say it is. I thought about my plans for the beach, and hoped the sun could dry me, get rid of the water weight

But, as I floated in the ocean I couldn't help but think of you snorkeling in your Atlantic. Probably so much different than mine. I could see you there, below the water, solitary and observant. It made sense for you to like something like that.

I didn't want to cry, not there, so I swam really fast until I couldn't keep my breath. How loud living can be. We are made mostly of air and water. I thought, we are the ocean. Expansive, salty, prone to unpredictable undertow.

I called you on my way to work. To make sure. You answered and I felt charged by your voice, the pensive "hello", even though you knew it was me, there, on the other line, a really really long way away.

2 comments:

Emily said...

Kelly, this is beautiful. I teared up as I read it. Such powerful lines. I loved the line about "how loud living can be". That gives me chills. Your writing has grown and changed and become some powerful force of words. Your voice is so clear and unique. I want the first copy of your book! I am making a shirt with "I <3 [insert a sketched picture of KG writing]"!!!

appleoftheearth said...

thank you, Emily! I've been kind of worried about this one, but your post helped me think I could save it.

I bought my ticket to SF! I need to write you a letter! Exciting!